Wrong Kind of Brown?

An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said, “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country, medicine is so advanced we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said “Ha! We took an a***hole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.”

[Submitted by Faliero]

An Actor’s Guide

Cultivate an attitude of hostility. Tension gets results — on stage and off.

A good performance, like concrete, should be molded quickly and then forever set.

Your first responsibility as an actor is to find your light.

Do not listen to your fellow actors on stage. It will only throw you. Do not look at them either. You may not like what you see.

Always be specific. Point to what you’re talking about.

If a line isn’t working for you, change it.

Stage managers are NOT actors — ignore them.

Never be afraid to ad lib to get attention, especially if the leads aren’t very entertaining.

Mistakes are never your fault.

Always find something to bitch about, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Your fellow actors will respect your professional attention to detail.

Never carry make-up. Someone will have what you need.

If you can’t be heard, it’s not your fault. Any decent theatre should have body mikes.

Never, never help understudies. They secretly hate you and want your job.

Do help your fellow actors by giving them notes whenever you feel necessary. And give the notes immediately before they go on — it will be fresher that way.

Speak your lines as if the audience had difficulty understanding the language.

Keep other performers on their toes by ridiculing their performances, and never let them know what you’re going to do next.

Play the reality — always be aware of the audience and whether you think they like the show, then gauge your performance accordingly. Why knock yourself out for ungrateful assholes?

The only difference between an amateur and a pro is that the pro does exactly the same thing for money.

Need a character? Get a costume.

Never change anything that is working, no matter how wrong or phony it may seem.

Even if a piece of shtick doesn’t work, keep using it. The important thing is for you to have fun and feel good about yourself.

Life is Cheap in Filipino Journalism

Philippine President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo’s administration has been criticized at home and abroad for a rising number of unsolved killings of left-wing activists, government critics and journalists.

According to the National Union of Journalists of the Philippines, 52 reporters have been killed since 2001.

In the same period, the human rights group Karapatan has reported more than 800 activists killed and another 200 abducted by suspected security forces. Most of the victims are from left-wing groups branded by the military as fronts for a 39-year communist insurgency.

[The Guardian]

Eric Needs to Store 27-Foot Motorhome ASAP!

San Diego — His motor home was impounded and now Eric is looking for an off-street parking spot for it. He’s open to paying, trading, letting someone use it as an extra bedroom, whatever works. He’ll be looking at commercial storage facilities tomorrow but would rather save some money. If anyone has any leads, call him at (619) 933-3690 or e-mail ineffableone@gmail.com.

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office: “Toilet out of order… Please use floor below.”

In a laundromat: “Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

In a London department store: “Bargain basement upstairs”

In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.”

In an office: “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

Outside a secondhand shop: “We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Notice in health food shop window: “Closed due to illness”

Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants please stay in your car”

Seen during a conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor”

Notice in a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door — the bell doesn’t work)”

[Submitted by Faliero]

What stage are you living now?

On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year lifespan.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

But man said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back; that makes 80, OK?”

“OK,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you…

[Submitted by Ensenada Jim]