Offensive Jokes My Father Sent Me

For the uninitiated, here are some particularly offensive examples of the Essex Girl joke. Americans may note these are basically a blonde joke and a Polish joke rolled into one. This format enables the English to be racist and sexist at the same time with no extra effort.

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for Child Benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the Essex girl.
“10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah,” says the Essex girl. “It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout ‘WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNER”S READY,’ or ‘WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW!’ And they all do it.”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl. “I just use their surnames.”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress,” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says, “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says, “I”ll take the red one.”
The man replies, “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there”s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s bleeding hundreds of them!”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I”m a paramedic and I”m going to ask you some questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon. Is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There’s blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she”s lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: “OK, I'm going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon: “OK.”
Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon: “Oh my God! I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
“Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uvva one’s got an R on it?”
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, I”m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot”
“Cor blimey”, exclaims the Essex girl, “So THAT”S why me panties ‘ave got C&A on the label!”

[Contributed by Faliero]