The genius in all of us

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,” — Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” — Mariah Carey

“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life,” — Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” — Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” — Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” — A congressional candidate in Texas

“Half this game is ninety per cent mental.” — Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.“ — Dan Quayle

“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” — Lee Iacocca

“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” — Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” — Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

“Traditionally, most of Australia‘s imports come from overseas.” — Keppel Enderbery

“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” — Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?

Offensive Jokes My Father Sent Me

For the uninitiated, here are some particularly offensive examples of the Essex Girl joke. Americans may note these are basically a blonde joke and a Polish joke rolled into one. This format enables the English to be racist and sexist at the same time with no extra effort.

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for Child Benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10” replies the Essex girl.
“10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah,” says the Essex girl. “It’s great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout ‘WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNER”S READY,’ or ‘WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW!’ And they all do it.”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” asks the council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl. “I just use their surnames.”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress,” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.
The man says, “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says, “I”ll take the red one.”
The man replies, “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there”s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s bleeding hundreds of them!”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I”m a paramedic and I”m going to ask you some questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: “Sharon.”
Medic: “OK Sharon. Is this your car?”
Sharon: “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon: “Romford, mate.”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash. There’s blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she”s lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: “OK, I'm going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon: “OK.”
Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon: “Oh my God! I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
“Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uvva one’s got an R on it?”
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, I”m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot”
“Cor blimey”, exclaims the Essex girl, “So THAT”S why me panties ‘ave got C&A on the label!”

[Contributed by Faliero]

Fluctuations

TOKYO — In view of the current difficult investment times please check your portfolio for Japanese bank stocks. The knock-on effect from the Northern Rock Bank is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.

In the last seven days, Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cutback some of its branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song. Today, shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nosedived. Also, 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.